Beautiful.

Feeling like I'm not worth it is a gut-wrenching feeling. Inadequate for a job, inadequate for a relationship, inadequate for deep friendships. But you know what the causes these feelings? These thoughts of "You don't deserve that, stop trying"?

I do.

It's all in my head. How I'm not worth someone's time, how I'm not good enough to reach a certain goal. Even things as petty as feeling like I don't LOOK good enough to accomplish something. But an incredible guy was helping me through a hard time, and said something that will never leave my memory… not even if there's a FIRE. (Sorry, had to throw a Step Brother's reference in there) He told me this:

"Sarah, God wants to make you into the most beautiful woman ever. Let Him."

I allowed the voices of my worthlessness to be louder than the voices of the One who gave me life. The One who was begging me to believe that I was beautiful, that I was created with a plan in mind. The One that created me to be passionate, to be loving, to be stubborn, to be silly, to be gullible, to be un-coordinated, to be ALIVE.

God makes beautiful things. He makes no mistakes. How many times have you read in scripture God creating something, and then saying, "Well. I didn't mean for THAT to happen…", afterwards? That's right, just about NEVER.

Here's the twist though: He created me knowing that I would fall short on a regular basis. Knowing that I would blatantly ignore him so I could invest the time HE gave me into things that disappoint me. Things that NEVER fully satisfy. And then He watches me sit there and wonder why I'm hurt, why things never work out for me. It's a process that is sadly repeated. But God- who has the option of killing me off at this point- waits. And waits, and waits. Until I have moments like this, where I come back. And I praise Him for being who He is, and who He made me.

Because I am worth it.

Human beings can no longer tell me what I'm worth, what you're worth. I find my worth in the Creator of the endless amount of universe, the Creator of every star in the sky, the Creator of every freaking tree and plant and animal- because He thinks we're more beautiful than any of those things.


No matter how much I hurt, or how worthless I feel... I will go to God and know that I am beautiful.


~~~~~~~~~~


I made myself a quote for situations like these. I don't know who will even read this, but I hope that someone will read it and will be filled with hope from our loving Father that strives for their love.

"Every passing day is one day closer to the moment where we hurt no longer, cry no more, and we break the chains that bind us from loving our Father with no limits or restrictions."


I pray God blesses you, and that you realize daily that you are beautiful.

Praise mode...initiated.

"Let all that I am praise the Lord; with my whole heart, I will praise his holy name. Let all that I am praise the Lord; may I never forget the good things he does for me." - Psalm 103: 1-2

I feel like every Jesus-like blog I write about is when I'm having problems. I don't have any problems right now. My life is actually wonderful, and the best it's been in a long time. I'm just in praise mode. So I'm going to praise the Creator of the stars, the skies, and most importantly Beyonce. Just kidding. But really...

I am SO incredibly lucky... especially for my family. My parents and my brothers are phenomenal people. Really. I don't know how I wound up in the crazy family I did, but lately when I think about my family, my love for them almost brings me to tears. Seriously! (If you would have told me I would be like this when I was 16, me and my teenage angst wouldn't believe you). It's almost abnormal...how close ALL of us are to each other. Each and every one of us. I can only pray that God blesses me with a husband and kids that can have the same close relationships that I have with my family.

I'm thankful for being healthy. Sometimes I catch myself complaining about REALLY little things about my physical appearance. And the more I complain, the more those little things turn into bigger things. But Proverbs 31:30 tells me that none of it matters. All that matters is that I fear God. And boy, do I fear Him. I am healthy, I have all my limbs, and to me, that qualifies as being lucky.

I LOVE my summer jobs. I am so lucky to watch two incredibly well behaved boys that are in such a great family. Also, the snow cone stand is such a great cash job to have...AND I get snow cones whenever I want! I have a hilarious and God-fearing boss there. I'm lucky for the income I have, because it all just works out wonderfully in my budget.

One of the things that I am SO blessed by, way more than I thought I would be, is Oklahoma Christian University. God definitely put me where I belong. Being at OC allowed me to meet a few of the greatest people in my life. Coming from a public high school to OC was probably the best thing that's ever happened to me. I have grown so much since I started living in Edmond, and I know that growth will only continue. I'm excited to see what God has in store for my future there.

There are many things I could go on and on about, but God knows them, and my fingers are tired. So I'm going to bed.

Praise God I have a bed.

The ramblings of a Jesus Freak.

Today was absolutely crazy.

In church this morning, our preacher gave an overview of the lesson for that morning. It was on life, and how fleeting it is. So I did my little Sunday ritual and prayed about where and when God wanted me to go to Africa (because it's on my mind just as much as snorting crack is on Charlie Sheen's mind). And then the most powerful thought came immediately after my prayer- Quit school. My immediate reaction? Why in the junk would I ever do that. I mean really... my parents would kill me, I won't have money to finish my degree when/if I came back to America, there were just so many reasons why I couldn't pull that off. Then those thoughts came to a screeching halt when I felt four simple words that impacted me more than any of you reading this can understand... "This life isn't yours".

This life ISN'T mine.

Yes I have control of my actions. Yes I can decide what I want to do today, this week, this month, this year... so someone might tell me that this technically IS my life. And that's right. But I want, more than anything on earth, to live and breathe God. HE made me perfectly and wonderfully, with every curl and freckle and freakishly long finger/toe. I am obviously here for a reason. Otherwise, I simply wouldn't be here. So, with that being said, how can I call this life mine? Why would I let the maker of EV-ER-Y-THING else create MY body, personality, passion, and talent... and not give Him the credit? It's simple really... God made me, so I'm His.

I'm not going to turn away from what God is calling me to do. Psalm 139: 7 says "Where can I go from your Spirit? Where can I flee from your presence?" Call me weird, but when I read this, I think of the bed intruder song. You know...when he said "We gon' fiiiiind you, we gon' fiiiiiiiind you". (Now every time you read this verse, you'll think of Antoine Dodson. SUCKAS.). But seriously... running from God's plan for the life He gave me would be incredibly unintelligent. So I'm just going to get over every fear, every selfish ambition, every person holding me back. Because again, this life isn't my life.

Besides... God must think I'm pretty special if He trusted me with the abilities and the passion for Africa. I consider it a huge compliment. So....you can run n' tell that, homeboy. (MORE ANTOINE DODSON!!)

Well that was my huge wake up call today. Other than my shift from snow cone hell, spending more than I should at Target, and being an emotional wreck...my day was fantastic. I have the most amazing family on planet earth, and the best friends I could ask for. Yada yada yada... bottom line is that I'm blessed. And praise Jesus for that.

Peace and Bless-ings.

Bow chicka wow wow.

Mike Posner has quite a way with words... I mean really, "Once I set the mood right, I can make it sound like *guitar solo*". What does that even mean?

Anyways. I decided I'm going to make a summer to-do list. Here are a few things...

1) Learn the double dream hands dance.
2) Try every snow cone flavor at my stand.
3) Fully potty train the 2 year old that I will be watching.
4) Work with the 4 year old I watch every other day on things to prep him for pre-k.
5) Save money for Africa.
6) Learn 3 songs on the piano (Including the song "I see the light" on the Tangled soundtrack...judge me.)
7) Learn how to make a foreign desert.
8) Stand in line for Beyonce's new album coming out in the NEXT FEW MONTHS.

I may be forgetting a few things, BUT that's what I could think of off the top of my head.

I think my dog is eating something in my room, so I'm going to have to cut this blog short. It's better for me to get what she's eating now than later on......if you catch my drift.

Peace and Bless-ings.

Catching up (I haven't shaved my legs)

I'm going to wipe the dust off this blog and start fresh. I've neglected blogging due to finals week... along with sleeping, eating properly, and shaving my legs. So now that summer is here (PTL) I can start blogging again. And I know all of you have been dying to hear what I've been thinking (Extreme use of sarcasm, in case you couldn't catch that), so here we go.

Summer summer summer. I need you so much. I've had a great start to the summer too! I got a 2001 civic. It...can use some work (coughcoughTHECOLORSUCKScoughcough). But I've decided that there's no way I could drive a nice car. Not because I couldn't, it's because I wouldn't want to. For example, this car is the first car I've had with automatic windows. I've had 3 cars before this one. And I got in this car and messed with the windows for a good minute, just because I could. It makes me appreciate what I have more. BUT one the other hand...you have to pull the handle out on the drivers side to push the lock down. Things like that just give the car character. And I love it. But I am saving up for a paint job down the road...I can see some paint on the car that looks like it's about to chip, so that's a perfect excuse to get rid of the dark green that's on my car.

Also, QT is back in my life. I thought I was going to pee on the floor of QT out of sheer joy when I was checking out my 32 oz sweet tea and my two steak and cheese taquitos. AND they have styrofoam cups!!! That way QT drinks don't get water all over the place and they stay colder for longer. It's just the little things...

My dog is probably one of the favorite things about coming home. I can tell she wants to hate me because I left her for college, but she can't resist that Sarah Lovin'. I mean really, who can? (another use of sarcasm, I'm really not that full of myself) She started sleeping in my room every night, and wakes up with me every morning to follow me around while I do random things. She loves me, and she missed me, she can't hide it. But I love her just as much so it's a mutual lovin'.

I've come to the realization that I love being single. A lot. Because I'm realizing that I'm getting to the age where the next person I date could be "it"... not that I have a problem with that, I just don't even want to even think about marriage right now. I asked my dad what I would do with the car with I was done with it, and he said "Well that's up for you and your husband to decide, this car will run for a good 6 years before it dies. You can be putting the car seat of your first kid in there if you really wanted to." That was a terrifying statement. I'm a year out of high school, don't tell me that crap.

Anywho, I'm going to get ready for the day. Oh, what's that you say? It's 1:18 in the afternoon? I should have gotten up when normal people do? Well here's the thing, I've been through the most hellish 2 weeks of my life for finals, I am allowed to wake up at 11:30 and lay in bed until 1. SUCKAAAAAS.

Peace and Blessings.

M&D Shout out.

I am dedicating this blog to bragging about my parents. Because as strongly as I feel about them, I don't think they hear it enough. And I don't think they get the credit they deserve. 

Daddy.

The only think keeping us from being the exact same are our reproductive organs. And maybe a few physical features. But are personalities are almost identical. And that definitely has its pros and cons. And in high school, I was a rebellious teen.. and you were an exhausted parent that was probably tired of raising a teen and we butted heads FREQUENTLY. And by frequently, I mean daily. But as I grew older, I understood why you disciplined me differently from Robbie and Scott, and why you were so hard on me. Not only were you keeping me out of trouble, but you were keeping me out of trouble because you loved me. You cared about my successes and desired for me to learn from my failures. The more I realized this, the more we worked together on getting along. And then boom. I went to college. And I will tell you, you became someone I never expected you to be--- a softie. You're whipped from your daughter! I can tell now with the little things you do, like text me pictures of McChickens from McDonalds and talk about our Dr. Laura dates. The "I love you"'s increased drastically, and you always give me an extra hug before I leave for college. The ways you've expressed love to me during the course of my life are different, but the point I'm trying to get at is that you simply loved me. With all your heart. And I see that, I understand that, and I appreciate it more than you will ever know. I'm incredibly thankful you are not only a loving dad, but that you are a dad that's always been here. I love you, and I will always, ALWAYS be your little girl. Always.

Momma.

I think on a scale from one to ten, ten being the MOST opposite from each other, we are a solid 7. I definitely take more after dad's side, that's for sure, but there are times where I can definitely see you in the way I act. Like our INSANE love for any person under the age of 5. Or the way I laugh. Or even the things I say, and how I say them. One picture that made me laugh was that one Julie took of us in Mexico, where we were standing next to each other and we were kinda slouched over (from the overwhelming exhaustion from sawing wood like a BOSS) and we were standing the EXACT same way. But other than the few similar things, we have many opposite personality traits. I think this is why God gave me you as my mom. We balance each other out. I bet it was hard raising me because you probably had no idea how to handle a demon child, BUT neither you nor I are dead, so I think you did a decent job. :) But what matters is that you took our opposite qualities and worked with them. And you loved me with no end. You took delight in my joy, you hurt for me when I was in pain, and you shared sadness in my completely pointless petty school problems. Now that I have grown up a little bit, I respect you all the more for this. Despite the struggles we had while I was at home, you were, and will continue to be the perfect mom for me. I am so blessed to have a mom that I can be this close to.

My parents set one of the greatest examples of marriage I have literally ever seen in my 19 1/2 years of living. I have seen all different types of people, all different types of families. And I don't thank God enough for blessing me with my mom and dad.... I also don't know of any married couple besides my parents that can work together AND live together without killing each other. But it just seems like they fall in love more and more every day....You guys are my rock. I would definitely NOT be the same person at all if it weren't for the love and the guidance that you've shown me throughout the years. Even though your job of raising me is over, I hope you realize that it made a huge impact. Not only on me, but for my future family, and my walk with Christ. Also, my love for my parents cannot be contained to a simple blog post. If I could convey it any deeper, I would do it in a heart beat. But they don't have the technology for that, so I am going to call it a night. My eyes are drooping.

I love you with every fiber of my being, Mom and Dad.... I don't think I can ever thank you enough for who you are.

The Sarah rant.

I don't know how many of you actually read my blog. But if you do, and you don't want to hear me rant, then you can just stop reading at the end of this sentence. And for the people that are still reading right now ....prepare yourself right now for the most intense Sarah-rant of your life. I feel like it's time for some major blogging therapy.

For what ever reason, I've been struggling with self worth lately. It's weird and I feel awkward and depressing and emo-like but it's been happening and it's also been hard to get over. And I'm usually a pretty confident person, yet something just keeps tearing me down. But today I had a Tyra Banks moment. You know her campaign... "Kiss my fat ass". Well it was similar to that. I literally do not care anymore about what other people think about me. DO NOT. I'm not going to wonder what you think about. I'm not going to wonder if you think I'm great, or snobby, or moody, or angry, or depressing, or slutty, or I don't even know, and frankly I don't even care. If you think I'm great, then you'll treat me like you think I'm great. If you think I'm worth spending time with, you'll spend time with me. But I'm not going to handle the "I can't really tell what your thinking so I'm going to sit here and wonder what you're thinking" crap. I'm done wondering.

I also realized that I am totally worth it. Just like everyone else on this planet. If God had the audacity to place you on this earth, then I'm pretty sure He knew exactly what He was doing. I am not a mistake, I am good enough, and I am definitely worth someone's time. So I'm tired of feeling like I'm not good enough, because I am. I'm perfect in the eyes of the creator of every single thing on this ENTIRE freaking planet, so I'd have to be on crack to think otherwise.

Also, I have a few of the best people I've ever met as friends. Seriously. Julianne Stinson, Averi Harris, and Paige Criswell. I love you three ladies more than you will ever know. And I PRAISE God for sending you all to me. I love you with all my heart.

That felt wonderful.... thank goodness for blog rants.

I'm not feeling so great today.

Happy Wednesday, everyone.

Spring Break was fantastic. One of the best Spring Breaks I've ever had...and for several reasons. I love my youth group, I LOVE building houses, and I loved laughing at drunk people stumbling on themselves at the beach, but the absolute highlight of this trip was not only giving the keys to the family of the house we built for this year, but visiting the family of the house we built LAST year. We didn't even think they would remember us, but when we pulled up in our vans...the kids came SPRINTING to us. I was able to hold back some tears then, but as we walked inside the house, I see our team picture-framed- hanging on the wall of the kids room. At that point, I couldn't hold back the tears. All the nails I hammered, all the boards I cut, all the concrete I poured and mixed for literally HOURS paid off right then and there. That's when I was reassured that what I've done for the past 6 Spring Breaks is completely and totally worth it.

    




To the top is a picture of me and two of the kids in 2010. To the bottom is a picture of all of us a year later. AND...I just noticed that in the 2010 picture, we are building the wall that we are sitting in front of in the 2011 picture... wow.


Recently it's been really, REALLY hard for me to trust people. Even people that are really close to me. And I don't know what it is, but it's a scary feeling. Only being able to trust yourself....but I can't even do that sometimes. But I think it's causing me to rely on God more. It's just too bad He's not tangible...ya know? I don't know. Just a thought.

I'm also being super impatient right now, and I need to stop it. Good things come to those who wait...

I really need to get NSYNC Christmas off of my itunes. It's only good at Christmas time.

I watched that cartoon movie called Tangled....and I cried. It was SUCH a cute movie. I also realized that I have a crush on a cartoon character. Pathetic? No.. he's the perfect man. Minus him not being real and all... okay it is pathetic. Judge me.

Thanks Jew for cleaning the room.... but I feel bad. I mean I wanted to fail room check today because I didn't wanna clean, but I guess that bothered you....?

I watched the Friday music video by Rebecca Black....my thoughts? "Friday, Friday, Shove-an-ice-pick-in-my-eye-day".

I'm in a kinda crappy mood right now. I'm gonna take a nap....college kid LIFE.

As Told by a Ginger: Spring Sing Edition.

Well my life has finally returned to me, our last Spring Sing show was Saturday night. I can't say I know what a hangover feels like, but on Sunday morning I believe I had a Spring Sing hangover. I felt like I had thrown up all the lyrics I could, smiled as much as my mouth would allow, and danced WAY beyond my limit. I literally just laid on my bed for hours looking at the ceiling. But honestly, I wouldn't trade my experience in Spring Sing for anything. Performing on stage is something I believe God gave me the ability to do, and I will utilize any chance I get. And this....this was just too fun to pass up.

Here's one of my many SS faces. Now I know what you're thinking...I mean it's pretty hard to get any more cute and cuddly than that face right there. But believe me when I say it can be done. But let's be real here... I certainly won't be allowed with in a 200 foot radius of any school with this picture. 

For those of you that don't know my brother, he is the cop in the gray and black uniform with the gargantuous eyes. I don't even think gargantuous is a word, but no real words could describe this kid's SS face. I will admit it for all of you to read, I am defeated. Defeated by Robbie's SS face. I thought I had a chance, but I don't think I even came close. I knew for a fact that I couldn't compete when he came up to me on Friday and told me he had 12 more SS faces that he came up with. At that point, I knew I was automatically screwed. So there you go Robbie, you win. Just like you won at everything throughout our entire childhood... just kidding. But really.

After the performance on Friday, I went to OnCue with Jew, and naturally we were in full costume. So the guy at the register decides to sit there and talk to us about his connections with the now alcoholic Steve (I can't blame Steve though, I mean I'd be an alcoholic too if I was the only human that lived in a world consisting only of inanimate cartoon objects that helped you solve clues to find even MORE inanimate cartoon objects). Apparently the OnCue guy was engaged to Steve's niece. Which was actually pretty cool, until the OnCue guy started talking about how Steve was the lead singer of the band called Flaming Lips (....really?) which leads to his present day heavy drinking. I THOUGHT HE WAS DEAD. Maybe my parents told me he was dead so I wouldn't know about his alcohol problems. I mean they lied to me about Santa, it's completely logical. I'm not bitter or anything though...................

Oh, and you will probably be shocked to find out how much makeup I have put on in the past week for  SS. I would venture to say I put on a good pound of makeup for every show. And my hair now hates me for the amount of heat I applied to it... so I'm going on a no makeup streak. You all will be seeing a little to no maintenance Sarah for the rest of the week. And then I will continue my no maintenance Sarah in MEXICO (woop woop) while building houses, so that when I come back...I might actually want to look decent. Who knows. At this point, I am repulsed by the idea of spending more than 15 minutes getting ready.

Anyways. I have a midterm paper that I am putting off...and it won't write itself. Although, I really wish it would. I'm still recovering from my SS hangover.

Peace and Bless-ings, Peace and Bless-ings.

Procrastination at its finest.

SPRING SING IS HERE! OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG.

That's really all I have to say. Because that's all my life consists of as of this week. And when I get to next week...I really won't know what to do with myself. Maybe I can actually study... what a strange concept.

I saw Robster do his Spring Sing show tonight. His face...oh man. It's going to be hard to top that...but it's my goal. I WILL beat his Spring Sing face.

Today I ironed an orange jumpsuit. I can honestly say I never imagined the day I would be ironing a jumpsuit...but now if ironing a jumpsuit ever comes up in conversation, I will be able to participate.

This weekend, I woke up to find that my pillow pet was on the other side of the room. Adam's theory? A demon came into my room and moved it there...like in Paranormal Activity. Guess who got to stay up till 5 in the morning on demon duty over skype? That's right. Payback, Adam...payback.

I learned to never shop when you're hungry. I went to Walmart today to get face wash, and left with cheetos, easter cake things, swiss rolls, pizza rolls, and cheese. This will probably make it to the list of my unintelligent decisions, right next to sitting on my hair straightener and pissing off black women on the highway.

These are all really random thoughts that I'm trying to make important so it goes higher on my priority list than studying for my psychology test, but it's not working. It's just so hard to get going when you're this tired...

...that's what she said.

The best interruption I've ever had.

As of this moment, my hair is halfway straightened. Like...really. There half a curly bun on top of my head, with half of my hair down and straight. I look ridiculous. And you just might question the reason that I stopped straightening my hair to post a new blog... but fear not my dear children, for I will tell you.

People that have never experienced God talking to them will question how it happens, and how you know. Looking at it from their side, it is a completely ridiculous concept. Believing in a higher power that talks to you, and tells you what to do and whatnot..it sounds like a bunch of shennanigans. I have an agnostic friend that used to remind me of how crazy it sounds too. But what I always explained to her (pray for her by the way guys, I want her to experience a God moment) was that it's not so much actual words. It's not a deep voice out of nowhere that gives commands, it's just an intense feeling. An intense calling. And through this intense calling, you just know what God wants you to know. And while I let my third layer of hair down to straighten, God started speaking to me. I don't think these words on this blog could express how absolutely powerful this was. So I stared at myself in the mirror, turned the song from "Drop it Low" to "Nothing Without You" and I fell to the ground on my knees. And I praised God. Not just like OC chapel praised, I PRAISED Him. With my entire heart, my entire soul. I felt like my physical body was kneeling, but my soul wasn't inside it....such a weird, yet indescribable feeling.

I feel like through all of this, God was telling me to stop worshiping myself. I figured that coming to a christian school, I would get closer to God because God would be all over this campus. Christian professors, christian advisors, chapel everyday, and a university of people with with the same belief that there is a God who sacrificed His son so that we can experience TRUE and eternal life. And I got that. But being a Christian here became more of a schedule than a relationship with God for me. I've become so used to just going with the motions. And the most sickening part to this, is that they were all meaningless motions. My life has been about me, my friends, my social life, my school (notice how I put those in order....that's no coincidence). I have NOT made room for the God who created the stars, for the God who saved my soul, for the God whose love is constant, and NEVER fails. So I guess God gave me the choice today...the choice to keep straightening my hair, or to interrupt something in my schedule to just listen and praise Him.

I have about an hour to finish straightening my nappy mass of hair before the Winter Jam concert. But I think I can make myself a little late.... because I have a date with my Savior.

My arms are perfect.

I'm sure everyone has been through this situation before: You're watching tv, and you want to change the channel. So you reach for the remote, but it's literally an inch from your fingertips. You are trying with every fiber of your being to stretch those fingertips a little further, maneuver your arms so that maybe- just maybe- it will give you that extra inch you need. But there is nothing else you could possibly do to reach it. And you sit there and think "If only my arms were just a little bit longer". 

I guess it's safe to say I am in that situation. I mean not with an actual remote, (Julianne and I can't figure out how to program a remote anyways) but a real life situation. I know what I want, but I can't reach it. I sit here and try an thing of ways to get my goal quicker, try and maneuver myself to where I can finally reach it, but nothing I do works. It is the most frustrating feeling I've experienced in awhile. It's like I'm stuck, and I want to run, but my feet won't carry me. My remote is so close, but my arms aren't long enough. I feel as if I'll never actually reach it.

But maybe I'm not supposed to be able to reach the remote. Maybe God designed my arms to be the perfect length so that I actually couldn't reach the remote, so that I'd have to find another way to change the channel. It could be, I'll just have to get up and change the channel myself.

God has a funny way of presenting situations to me. But I find comfort in knowing that He WILL find a way to make me realize what I need to do. But for now, I think I need to stop wishing I had longer arms.

~ ~ ~

Ecclesiastes 3:1-15 (The Message)

 ¹ There's an opportune time to do things, a right time for everything on the earth:

 ^2-8 A right time for birth and another for death,
   A right time to plant and another to reap,
   A right time to kill and another to heal,
   A right time to destroy and another to construct,
   A right time to cry and another to laugh,
   A right time to lament and another to cheer,
   A right time to make love and another to abstain,
   A right time to embrace and another to part,
   A right time to search and another to count your losses,
   A right time to hold on and another to let go,
   A right time to rip out and another to mend,
   A right time to shut up and another to speak up,
   A right time to love and another to hate,
   A right time to wage war and another to make peace. ^9-13 But in the end, does it really make a difference what anyone does? I've had a good look at what God has given us to do—busywork, mostly. True, God made everything beautiful in itself and in its time—but he's left us in the dark, so we can never know what God is up to, whether he's coming or going. I've decided that there's nothing better to do than go ahead and have a good time and get the most we can out of life. That's it—eat, drink, and make the most of your job. It's God's gift.
 ¹⁴ I've also concluded that whatever God does, that's the way it's going to be, always. No addition, no subtraction. God's done it and that's it. That's so we'll quit asking questions and simply worship in holy fear.
 ¹⁵ Whatever was, is.
   Whatever will be, is.
   That's how it always is with God.

Mind of a Child.

I've always loved spring, it's hands down the best season in my opinion. Everything seems new, and so many things are growing and changing. It's also a great season because it's the season that rescues me from the frigid hell we all call winter. But the way things are looking right now, spring will come bearing lots of stress and mid term projects and papers and speeches. On top of that, I have Spring Sing (Side note- I always made fun of people that complained about how hard being in Spring Sing would be. I mean really, it's a musical. You sing and dance for a few hours each night and that's it....I was so wrong. You dance until you feel your limbs detach from your body, all while singing so much you practically pop a lung. Yeah...now go do that research paper due tomorrow. #springsinghell). When I wake up in the morning, I literally feel like at night, several teen girls thought I had plotted Justin Bieber's death, so they beat me with pillowcases full of bricks. I'm constantly dragging myself from place to place, and it all seems like a blur.

Today, I randomly started thinking about what drives me to be happy. What was I missing now that I had when I was stressed in high school? And through this thinking, I realized that I am the happiest person alive when I'm with kids. I took an Early Childhood Development course my junior and senior year, and I could honestly not think of any better way to spend half of my day every day than playing with those kids. When I did my activities I planned for them, I got lost in their world. Some days, I would come into class on the verge of tears from a stressful day, but forget everything I was thinking of when I walked into a room full of these fascinating little human beings. I was able to witness the way they view life.

Then I got to some deeper thinking (which might I add was an incredibly tiring process, considering the fact that I get tired walking from my bed to the sink now). Why can't I be five again? Why can't I find everything absolutely fantastic like the kids I worked with every day? When I was younger, everything was spectacular. The thrill of riding a bike, or helping my mom make dinner. My imagination was outstanding, and you better believe I had an entire posse of imaginary friends (Don't hate). I was excited to learn new things in elementary school, I was excited to be that cool kid that knew how to write in cursive... don't act like you've never been there as a child, cursive was THE cool kid thing to do. All of these things I thought about today made me discover my new goal for myself.

I want to view my life from a child's perspective. I want to rediscover the world. I want to notice the details that kids would, but I would be to busy to notice otherwise. I think that being able to do this will grab my attention off of temporary stresses, and help me focus on some great opportunities for growth. No, I will not throw myself on the floor of Walmart when I don't have the money to get a candy bar, I'm just going to enjoy life's simple, yet fascinating wonders.

To kick off my new goal, I think I will nap like a child. Starting now.

The Boy Rant.

This is primarily therapy for me, the two of you that actually follow my blog don't have to read it. :) Hopefully by the end of this blog, I will feel relieved and I won't think about this topic as much as I have been. *Cross your fingers*

I am SO tired of boys! And I am so tired of being used. I can recognize it, no matter what the said "motives" are of the other party. I know when I'm being used, and I don't like one second of it. Being hurt is inevitable, but I'm tired of it being constant. SO. I'm making a wish list for God. I want to list every quality of a man that I want, and hopefully He will take that and show me the perfect man for me.

-I want a man that will keep me in check. I want him to tell me to calm down when I'm being senseless, I want him to slap me back to reality when I start drifting away from it. I want to constantly build each other up with ourselves and our spiritual walk. I don't want a distraction, I want an accountability partner.

- I want him to be able to have the strength to talk about how smokin' Jessica Biel is, but at the end of the day, I know that he wants me and absolutely no one else. If it were me and him in a room full of gorgeous girls, I want him to be able to point at me and say "Now THAT'S my woman."

-I want him to pull all kinds of crazy pranks on me. I want him to make fun of me. I want to go put put golfing when we're 45 on a date and still act like we are teens. I want a friendship on fire.

- I want a guy that recognizes my needs. I want a guy to know to hug me and play with my hair when I'm crying, and give me big huge hugs when I'm stressed out.

- I don't want a guy that buys me the world. I want a guy that will give me what I need. If I'm super stressed about something going on that day, I want him to leave me a little sticky note saying "Make this day your b****." or something along those lines.

-I want a guy that will use she-said jokes. But not overuse them.

-I want a guy that will share my joy and pain. When I'm pissed that someone hated on Beyonce, I want him to say "Where's a bucket of rocks... people that don't know that Beyonce is the most talented woman on earth should be stoned." Well...not really. But you get the idea.

-Finally, I want a man that makes me a priority, not an option.


Looking over all these points, I realize that I said "I want" a lot. And I also realized that was wrong of me. God will give me what I need, not necessarily what I want. I need prayers...prayers that will help me determine the difference between what I want and need. I just need to talk to God more...


Pray for me,

Sarah

As Told by a Ginger.

Realizing that I haven't blogged in a month or two (or five), I decided to log back on and check out the one blog that I actually wrote. When I read it....I literally laughed out loud. I love being able to look back on things I've freaked out about. I entertain myself, which is why I want to keep up with blogging right now. So now that you have all read my pre-college freak out, I will now show you my post-college excitement. Ready, go.

The very first day I moved into the dorms at Oklahoma Christian, I met my best friend. Which knocked out one of my biggest fears in college, because I was scared I wasn't going to make as great of friends as I had back home (Which, now that I think about it, makes absolutely no sense at all because through being in college I've realized that God blessed me with the ability to be able to make friends with a wall if I wanted to). Julianne Stinson and I immediately became the best of friends. And after Julianne, along came my friends Paige, Averi, Jade, and Megan. And from there, we became an inseparable bond. 

My brother Robbie also goes to OC with me, and I would probably have experienced several terrible situations without him being here. You know how people have those little voices in their head? Like, the ones that tell them  "Don't forget to print out the study guide for your history test" or "Be sure to balance your checkbook so you don't overdraft" ? Since I apparently lack that voice, Robbie has taken over it's position. Granted I've learned to be more independent, but Robbie has given me those extra pushes that I need to get my junk done. I am so glad he is here, and I'm even MORE glad that he rushed the club Kappa Sigma Tau. I love those guys, and I am proud to call myself a Kappa Ho. Well...not really proud about the Ho part, but you get what I'm saying.

Anywho, I'm going to wrap this up because I need to take a break from the OC poster child position (OC poster child position = laying in the grass of the forum on a laptop and texting on an iPhone while being overly joyous...it's all over their brochures and such). If you haven't pulled anything from this blog other than I have lots of free time on my hands, also know that I that I freaked out in August over nothing. College is literally one of the best times of my 19 years of living, and I love waking up in the morning and realizing how infinitely blessed I am to be here. Yay, God.

Peace and Bless-ings, 

Sarah.